H O M E: February 2009

This is story from Joe Rogan's blog. I'll be the first to say Joe Rogan is 87% douche, but this story is hilarious. The entire article is here, but here's the link to it. Read the entire entry, it's worth it.

I very rarely go to parties.

Most of the time I think of going to parties as some sort of a chore that I have to do for the person that I like that’s throwing the party, or the person that wants me to come with them. It’s just so hard for me to find interesting people to talk to, and I’m terrible about forcing a fake conversation. I just can’t do it anymore.

The only time parties are really fun for me besides the rare time when I get to talk to someone interesting, is when something fucked up happens.

So when I got a call from one of the guys I do jiu jitsu with, asking me if I wanted to go to a “porno party,” of course I was excited.

For SURE there’s got to be something fucked up going on there, I thought.

Silly me.

So we get there and there’s this set up out in a parking lot where they’ve got a projection screen set up and a bunch of chairs. Nobody is sitting there in the chairs, so I don’t really pay too much attention. What I did pay attention to, is that this wild “porno party” was actually just 40 dudes standing around drinking, staring at 4 fairly homely looking chicks.

Ooh… I have a feeling this one might suck.

Whatever, I figure I’m here with some of my best friends, and even if nothing fucked up happens, and everyone else in the place is boring, it’s still a chance to kick it, sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods, have a couple of beers… it should all be good fun.

That’s the best thing about having funny friends, no matter where you go, even if it sucks, you can make fun of it together and have some laughs.

So we’re all standing around, bullshitting and laughing, when all of a sudden some guys starts yelling an announcement.

“Ok, everybody take a seat, the movie is about to begin…”

…The fuck? The movie?

“Take a seat everybody, it’s time for the reason why we’re all here.”

Huh?

Slowly we piece together that this isn’t just a porno party, but rather a screening party for a new porno film.

OK. This is going to be weird.

The party stops, and they want us to sit down and watch the people fuck.

Before this, of course the director must address the crowd.

He gets up, and he thanks everyone for coming, and then he talks about the movie like it was some really difficult accomplishment, and about how so many people told him it couldn’t be done.

Now I’m really confused. “Isn’t this a porno film that he’s talking about?”

Now I always thought that one of the best things about pornos, or people that make pornos is that they probably don’t take themselves very seriously. I figured they just laugh a lot, do a lot of coke, and can’t believe that they can make money filming people fucking. And not just money, but an unbelievable amount of money. How much? Well, thanks to the wonders of the google search, now I know, and it’s fucking INSANE.

This is what I’ve read:

Pornography in this country rakes in over 12 billion a year. I mean, that is an immense amount of money. To put that into perspective, porn revenue is larger than the revenues of all professional football, baseball and basketball franchises COMBINED. It’s also double what the combined revenues of ABC, CBS, and NBC are.

It’s a huge fucking business, (no pun intended.)

I’m sure like all endeavors, there’s probably a certain art to doing it just right, but I wasn’t really sure what was supposed to be extra special about this particular movie, other than the fact that it seemed to have some sort of a plot, and there seemed to be a lot more dialogue than normal. Having seen the end result, I can say that it’s not exactly the best idea when you make the porn actors ACT.

I don’t know what this guy was thinking. I mean, being in the porn business he should know that dialogue in porno films was probably the first thing that inspired the fast forward button on the remote.

Not really the cream of the thespian crop, those porn stars.

So what you’ve got in this movie is that before every fuck scene you get 10 minutes of wooden dialogue spit out by people that are willing to fuck on film. And I don’t want to insult the acting ability of all porn stars. I think it’s certainly reasonable to believe that there are some porn stars out there that could have been really successful straight actors, they just never got a break. As a matter of fact I’m sure there’s a few of those out there. The people in this movie, however, weren’t them.

So the plot is something like there’s a chick that is a private detective, and she’s trying to find some information about a crime, so she’s interrogating this guy. They start talking, and one thing leads to another, and next thing you know, he’s fucking her face. Something silly along those lines. I don’t really remember exactly what the premise was, but I don’t think it’s all that important. What is important however, is that this scene is being played for the whole audience of party goers in this parking lot, and this girl is on her knees violently shoving this guys cock into her mouth while making noises that sound remarkably like an otter. While this is all happening on the screen, someone says, “She’s here!”

A car pulls into the parking lot, and the princess steps out and says hi to all her friends.

People applaud.

With her in the car, is a young guy. He looks like he’s in his early 20’s, and he doesn’t really seem like the type to be hanging around with a chick like her. Then I see his face when he looks up at the screen and sees the girl that he arrived with, and she’s got her legs behind her head like a contortionist while this rather rude gentleman is alternating shoving his cock in her ass, and then her mouth, over and over again.

Ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth.

The guy is grunting like a gorilla, and every time he shoves it in her mouth, she’s making the otter noise.

The kid’s eyes are locked on the screen. He’s got this look in his eyes is like he really believes that his brain must be malfunctioning. Like he just can’t comprehend what he’s watching. Like as if he didn’t even know she was a porn star. His jaw drops.

After about 30 seconds of this kid standing in front of the screen, frozen in the hypnotic spell of ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth… he turns to her asks her a question, and I hear her say, “I was gonna tell you.”

NO FUCKING WAY.

I was gonna tell you?

Suddenly, the party just exceeded my wildest expectations.

Is it really possible that this chick could be so crazy that she would invite a guy to a party where a bunch of people are going to sit around and watch a movie of her getting gorilla fucked and not let him know what he was in for?

How is this possible? I have to talk to this guy.

They’re talking, and I’m trying to eavesdrop, but the sound of the movie is drowning out their words. I’m only picking out every third or fourth word that they say, because the guy’s nuts are slapping off this chick’s ass every couple seconds with a sound that was like someone cleaning off chalk board erasers.

So now I’m hearing chalk board erasers slapping together, gorilla, otter, erasers, gorilla, otter…over and over again, and every couple seconds I pick up a word or two of their conversation.

The guy eventually leaves her side and heads to the bathroom, and I decide to grab him when he gets out, and hope that he’s willing to tell me what happened.

I just can’t wait. I know this is going to be hilarious.

I’m staring at the bathroom door waiting for him to come out with the same giddy anticipation star wars geeks must have when they’re sitting in the theater, and the opening credits are about to roll.

Finally, the kid comes out.

“Hey man, can I talk to you for a second?” At this point in time it was pretty clear that he didn’t know anyone here, and he looked like he needed a friend to talk to so I didn’t even feel bad for prying.

“Are you dating that chick?” “Um… well sorta. This is our first date.”

“Did you know that she did this?” The kid starts laughing, “No, I had no fucking idea. I just met her out at a bar the other night. She told me she was a makeup artist.”

WOW.

Could you even fucking imagine the jolt that went through this kid’s mind when he first stepped out of the car and saw what was playing on that screen?

This whole thing must be a tremendous disappointment, but he was handling it like a champ with a smile on his face.

This girl is pretty hot, and he probably thought he had struck gold when he got her to go out with him.

He probably told all his friends that he most likely had met the woman he was going to marry.

Probably said that she was a real catch, and that he was going to scoop her up before some other guy steals her.

He probably picked her up for their date that night with sweaty palms and a dry mouth, giddy with anticipation. He might have even been so excited about this date, that he lost sleep the night before, tossing and turning just thinking about it. Hoping that it would all work out perfect and that he wouldn’t say something stupid and screw it up.

Everything was going great, until he stepped out of the car and looked up at that screen. The dream was shattered.

Ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth…

For a second or two, I bet he was even searching in his mind, trying to find some way that he could be OK with all this. I mean, this chick IS pretty hot.

Ass, mouth, ass, mouth, ass, mouth. Gorilla, chalk board erasers, otter, gorilla, chalk board erasers, otter.

Nope, there’s no fucking way this is going to work out.

Damn, that sucks. She’s pretty fucking hot.

“Fuck,” I said. “That’s one of the craziest things I’ve ever heard in my life.

Can I get a picture of us?”

“Sure.”