Stuffed Monkey (The Thong Post)

So the commercial opens with that fake fucking Jack Johnson whatever the fuck it is happy sunshine song and introduces you to mom (faithful house-queen, suckling pig) and dad (Colonel High-Hair, looks like that guy from West Wing) and little female baby (insufferable) and immediately you're struck by how much this ad makes you dislike sex. A your-breakfast-and-lunch-are-racing-your-dinner-for-the water in the toilet bowl sensation rips through you and your bowels do the opposite of tightening. You know the commercial. Little female baby runs out perfectly manicured house with daddy's suitcase, it's great. But it could be better...

Daddy in the cab on the way to the airport, and you can just smell how miserable he is to be leaving mom (Hoover) and little female baby (Rosemary's), and then he opens his suitcase and takes out what little female baby had stashed there. It's a stuffed fucking monkey. Here's where my version kicks in. Daddy starts whistling along to the High School Handjob acoustic gay-sexing its heart out in the background and rolls down the window. It's a steady descent, not too quick, and just before it's as low as it can go daddy casually pitches stuffed monkey out the window and into the cab's slipstream. Without losing his pucker, daddy puts the window up. Fade to black, but keep the whistling and fake Jack Johnson going in the background. Flash Trojan brand condom logo.